...but not the hippopotamous
At this stage of life, I spend a whole lot of time reading. Not the kind of books I prefer to read - which, given the choice, would always be fiction novels. No, during this period I spend most of my reading time with small cardboard books whose pages can't be torn by my three year old son (though he often finds a way to destroy even these seemingly indestructible treasures!). When I'm lucky, I get to read chapter books with my girls before bed - perhaps a Magic Treehouse, Friday Barnes or once in a while a true classic children's novel. It always gives me a giggle, though, when one of these child stories touches my adult heart, as I recently experienced with the silliest book.
Sandra Boynton books are a favorite in this household. All three of my kids have been partial to them and I am, too - if I'm being honest. Not only do they make everyone smile, but they're easy to memorize and I can read (or recite) them when I'm half asleep in about three minutes each. The other day I was reading one of her stories that I have read a million times in the past, but this time it spoke to me.
The book is called "But Not the Hippopotamus" and it's a silly story about a hippo who looks on as everyone one around him participates in friendships and events together that he is not included in. Some are running together, some are trying on hats, some are having lunch, but ne'er the hippopotamus. At the end, they notice him hiding behind the tree and they invite him along and the hippo freezes... Ah! They saw me hiding and watching! Wait... what do I do? Do I go? Do I stay? Are they for real? They want me to come with them?? He wisely chooses to go and you think it's all resolved... but no. Come to find out, the armadillo is left out, too.
How often I feel like that hippopotamus. Even as I look at my life and can easily acknowledge what a fantastic community I am surrounded by... friends, neighbors, family, female mentors... I often find myself hiding behind that tree. I really struggle with loneliness. I struggle with the idea that everyone else has these deep, intimate friendships that I don't have - you know, the Rachel and Monica kind where they're so involved in each other's lives that they just walk in to each other's houses without knocking, they take care of each other's kids and are BFF's. They share deeply with each other, always know what's going on in each other's lives and hang out together all the time. After all, I'm sure everyone except me has a BFF just like that. Right?
I'm starting to see that this idea may be slightly flawed. Over the last couple years I have been putting myself out there more, actively trying to engage in female friendships, events and group settings. I have had conversations with other women (other moms, non-moms, Christians, non-Christians) trying to resolve this constant struggle within my heart and I have learned that MANY of these other women struggle with the same thing. The same ugly enemy knocks often at their door and the same feelings of loneliness plague them. While we attempt to connect with more and more people to fill this hole, the very source we often utilize - Social Media - does nothing to help the issue. In fact, it fuels the problem further. Comparison haunts our thoughts as we view photographs of the highlights of others' experiences (and truly - these are the highlights, not the NORMS!).
We all long for those deep connections and it is so rare to actually establish them. After all, we're too busy hiding behind all of the excuses we pile up to put ourselves out there and actually attempt to initiate one on one time with those around us. And if we do initiate something, upkeep is next to impossible while balancing work, our other commitments, parenting and trying to maintain a healthy marriage.It feels impossible, so why try?
I don't have all of the answers... I'm only learning small pieces of it as I go. I do know that when I spend time truly seeking the Lord and asking for his guidance, He lets me in on some things. Here are a few of those pieces that I have learned:
Sandra Boynton books are a favorite in this household. All three of my kids have been partial to them and I am, too - if I'm being honest. Not only do they make everyone smile, but they're easy to memorize and I can read (or recite) them when I'm half asleep in about three minutes each. The other day I was reading one of her stories that I have read a million times in the past, but this time it spoke to me.
The book is called "But Not the Hippopotamus" and it's a silly story about a hippo who looks on as everyone one around him participates in friendships and events together that he is not included in. Some are running together, some are trying on hats, some are having lunch, but ne'er the hippopotamus. At the end, they notice him hiding behind the tree and they invite him along and the hippo freezes... Ah! They saw me hiding and watching! Wait... what do I do? Do I go? Do I stay? Are they for real? They want me to come with them?? He wisely chooses to go and you think it's all resolved... but no. Come to find out, the armadillo is left out, too.
How often I feel like that hippopotamus. Even as I look at my life and can easily acknowledge what a fantastic community I am surrounded by... friends, neighbors, family, female mentors... I often find myself hiding behind that tree. I really struggle with loneliness. I struggle with the idea that everyone else has these deep, intimate friendships that I don't have - you know, the Rachel and Monica kind where they're so involved in each other's lives that they just walk in to each other's houses without knocking, they take care of each other's kids and are BFF's. They share deeply with each other, always know what's going on in each other's lives and hang out together all the time. After all, I'm sure everyone except me has a BFF just like that. Right?
I'm starting to see that this idea may be slightly flawed. Over the last couple years I have been putting myself out there more, actively trying to engage in female friendships, events and group settings. I have had conversations with other women (other moms, non-moms, Christians, non-Christians) trying to resolve this constant struggle within my heart and I have learned that MANY of these other women struggle with the same thing. The same ugly enemy knocks often at their door and the same feelings of loneliness plague them. While we attempt to connect with more and more people to fill this hole, the very source we often utilize - Social Media - does nothing to help the issue. In fact, it fuels the problem further. Comparison haunts our thoughts as we view photographs of the highlights of others' experiences (and truly - these are the highlights, not the NORMS!).
We all long for those deep connections and it is so rare to actually establish them. After all, we're too busy hiding behind all of the excuses we pile up to put ourselves out there and actually attempt to initiate one on one time with those around us. And if we do initiate something, upkeep is next to impossible while balancing work, our other commitments, parenting and trying to maintain a healthy marriage.It feels impossible, so why try?
I don't have all of the answers... I'm only learning small pieces of it as I go. I do know that when I spend time truly seeking the Lord and asking for his guidance, He lets me in on some things. Here are a few of those pieces that I have learned:
- I know that it's common for women, especially, to feel lonely. Like, REALLY common. Even those women that you think have it all together and everyone loves them.
- I know that it's hard not to hide behind the tree like the hippopotamus and be a longing observer, wishing for something that we think we see.
- I know that it's a struggle to contain those feelings of loneliness (and perhaps a twinge of jealousy?) - when others appear to have what we so desperately long for.
- What you think you see (whether in person or through Social Media) is not always the truth.
- I know that prayer and seeking a connection with God first has helped me see things more clearly than I did before. When my paranoid mind starts to tell me that others don't want me around or that I am a third wheel, prayer and reading the Word help to make the waters a little less muddy.
- I know that in order to establish these deep connections, you have to put yourself out there. You're probably not as unwanted or uninvited as you think you are.
- You can't rely on others to come along and make you feel included - you have to go places and do things and invite people and get out of your comfort zone. If there is a women's event and you don't know anyone, go anyways! If you feel a tugging at your heart to call someone or ask them to go to coffee with you, DO IT! Who knows, maybe that tug is the Holy Spirit's leading and an opportunity for you to be a friend to someone who is going through a tough time.
- We can't wait until the stars align and we have open space on the calendar and everything is perfect to invite others in, or it will never happen. For me, that may look like getting to the point where I'm willing to let someone in to my messy house. Wait. Ouch. Ugh... Now we're getting a little too personal...
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